If you have met me on the internet, whether it's through facebook, email or other outlets, you may have noticed that I don't go by the name Jessica very often. Instead, in most cases, I'll sign things and respond to the name Snow. It's a name that, oddly enough, started as a Mary Sue and has followed me until today. This isn't an entry to push my fabulous self insert fanfiction, but rather a story to explain why I have two names and why it's an integral part of me, my confidence and every fiber of my being.
A Mary Sue, as you probably know, is a self-insert character. The idea is, that when most writers start out, they start out by imagining themselves in a already created world. You self insert yourself into Doctor Who, or Gundam Wing, or Supernatural and write your story from there. In the world of fanfiction they're called Mary Sue or Gary Stew - depending on gender - and you can usually spot them by their overly 'unique' traits, floating sounding names and impossible need to rescue and love the, otherwise, main character of the story. Least that's what all the cliche's say.
My Mary Sue wasn't very different, but she has become something else entirely. (And no, this is not the time to search out those fanfic, because they were never posted.)
Back in my school years, as I was growing up, I was the very self consious kid who tended to hide in a corner and behind a book. Sure, I had a handful of friends, but I was always the odd kid out and never felt like I fit in. I never really had a voice and when something came up that upset me, I was more likely to hide in the school bathroom then ever make a comment about it. During this whole time I was busy writing fanfiction, dreaming of worlds where I wasn't a background character and I could actually do something in my life other then hiding.
High school came and went and I got a serious boyfriend - whom I realized around college time wasn't good for me and had ideas of his own that I wasn't totally ok with. I won't go into detail, but he's important because I made a decision when I broke up with him - that I was worth more then that. I distinctly remember returning to college without a boyfriend and sitting in my dorm room - wondering what the heck I was supposed to do now?
At the time I had a Mary Sue character in my head by the name of Snow Tigra. She was a stunning and confident woman I'd inserted into the Gargoyles universe (though written almost no fic about yet) who had started her own candle crafting business, had access to magic and rocked royal blue business outfits I would never dream of attempting with my plus sized body. She didn't take crap from anyone and she approached every situation with confidence and a bit of sass, and yet still had her flaws and insecurities that made her human and real.
Sitting in that dorm room, contemplating how to approach my life as a single student again, I thought: wouldn't it be nice to be her?
So I decided I would be.
At the time I had two skirts in my closet that I didn't wear much - I was a t-shirt and jeans girl - but I pulled them out. I also asked my professors to call me Snow, under the guise of there being too many Jessica's in my classes and this was just easier (to be fair, there were five in just that class!). I created a signature for her that wasn't my normal handwriting and started using that to sign all my artwork and writing. I used her name as my screen name online. I claimed her name as what friends should call me who knew me better then in passing. For all intents and purposes I repeated to myself over and over again, that I was her.
I was no longer the quiet and shy girl who sat in the corner with a book, no, I was her. I was this character I'd created who was everything I'd ever wanted to be. I internalized her constantly, telling myself over and over again that this was who I was and asking the world to call me that name as well. I internalized her until one day I realized I was her.
I can't pin point the exact moment, but looking back now I can easily trace how my confidence grew and how I changed and found myself. I stepped out of the shadows, I wasn't afraid to express my views and I usually did so in a calm manner. I started being a role model to people and even stood up for them when needed. I formed clubs on campus, took control and just became myself, all the while still writing and crafting and creating. Any time I got nervous or wanted to run and hide, it became easy to close my eyes and picture her with her self confidence and poise, and then I didn't have to hide anymore.
Around the same time I stopped writing with Mary Sues, which is kind of ironic. I no longer wanted to insert myself into stories - because I'd become who I wanted to be. So it wasn't interesting to explore these fake worlds anymore, because I was living it. Instead I went back to writing fanfiction about canon characters and their searches for love - but that's because I was finding my own love at the time and that's another story. ^__^
Today I'm still Snow. It's the name that most of my friends know me by and it's the name I prefer - even if Facebook recently made me change it back. To most of the world it's probably just a nickname, something I ask that they call me and what I write on my badge at anime conventions. Most of my coworkers don't know it and I don't sign it to my published books, but I'm still her. She's still me. I've become that confident and creative woman with her own crafty business and unafraid to be myself in a world where I am different and I don't exactly fit in. I still have my moments of insecurity, but that's normal and to be expected. No matter what happens, I can't leave her behind and I never want to.
I don't know if the story is the same for other writers, or even as pronounced as mine. I imagine everyone has their own reasons for their 'Mary Sue' character and where she is in their stories and their life. In either case, my Mary Sue was very important to me in ways that are hard to describe to other people. She's a symbol of my personal growth and a path back to the moment when I became myself. Because of this when I see people creating their own Mary Sue, it makes me smile. Even if I might not read the fanfiction or collect the art, it reminds me of my journey and that there are thousands of men and women out there doing the exact same thing.
My Mary Sue started as me and became something else. Then I became her and she is no longer a Mary Sue. Now she's me.
So that's why, if you meet me and talk to me, I have two names. I prefer to be called Snow, but don't worry. If you call me Jessica, that works too.
