Cosplay Experiences: I am a Fat Cosplayer

Yep, that title's a doozey.

I'm starting a new sort of blog feature where I will specifically blog/rant/tell about my experiences as a cosplayer over the many many years I've been cosplaying and decided - hey if I'm going to do this, I may as well get this out of the way.

Me, today

Hey everyone, I'm a fat cosplayer.  And no, before you rush to that comment button, I'm not putting myself down.  I could ramble on and on about how fat is beautiful and women are empowered and all of that - but honestly there are many other blogs out there who have already done that and do it better and I love them.  Instead this is more of a personal piece on myself and what I've learned as a fat cosplayer - take from it what you will.  I hope there's a thread of confidence there for people, something they can build off of.  Or at least an interesting bit about where I might be coming from.

My journey as a fat and/or plus sized cosplayer doesn't have a big special coming out or explosion of hate online.  In fact, most of it has actually been experienced vicariously through my partner Brichibi Cosplays, who has experienced a world of hate for her size, race and cosplay.  What I tend to experience is more of a lack of being noticed and being ignored by the cosplay community as a whole until recently.

In most cases I am fine with being invisible.  I don't mind stepping back and letting others take the spot light and leave me alone.  I'm not especially out going - unless you know me well - and I'm not much for giant groups of people.  This isn't a bad thing, it's just me.  And really, I'm pretty happy here, I don't mind being in the background, but I also like people talking to me, so it does tend to clash with life from time to time.  (This is certainly not a blog post telling people not to talk to me, you're all totally welcome to do that.  Again, exploring personal journey and thoughts and things.)

I am not the most confident person - I'm working on that.  I've had self esteem issues for a long time. I have days where I hate my weight, I hate my face and I hate my large stomach.  Everyone has those and it took me a while to realize that doesn't mean I have no self confidence, it just means that some times I get a little distracted - or a lot. ^__^;;;;

First and foremost, my experience as an overweight person played into my desire to wear costumes and pretend to be someone else for a day.  Cosplaying and dressing up is a way to pretend and let people in on this little secret.  Beyond Halloween and parties, it's fun at anime cons because it makes you feel like a part of this giant crowd, even if you're not so good at interacting with them.  By dressing up you already have a foot in the door belonging wise, so the rest isn't nearly as hard.  Plus, I learned that if I put myself in a black shirt and flattened my breasts to look more like a guy, my weight would become secondary to this creative shield I'd encased myself in.  I used that for several years, dressing up as more manly looking characters to hide my fatness.

Rosanna as Kaiba, Myself as Duke Devlin from Yu-Gi-Oh

The problem was that I've always loved dresses and in every day life I essentially don't wear jeans anymore.  I am a skirts and dresses person, because I feel the most comfortable in those new age style outfits with crafty necklaces, long flowing skirts and simple shirts.  So wearing drag or crossplaying at cons really didn't completely fit me - especially when most of my favorite characters are female and have amazing dresses to go with them.

I wasn't happy with these costumes.  I wanted to wear more.  I wanted to dress as the female characters who meant so much to me in anime and other media and I wanted to do them justice.  More then that I wanted to feel like a girl, I wanted to feel 'beautiful' for once.  Internally I knew I was never going to be thin and leggy and beautiful, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to try and experience it, in my own way.

So instead, I took a leap and made a huge fancy dress.  I bought an especially complicated Vogue pattern for a dress and spent months sewing it together and painstakingly hand painting the design on the dress, putting all my skills at the time into this one piece.  I know I had a fleeting feeling that if I was right on all the details, no one would care if I was fat, they'd be too busy looking at the dress and everything else.  Plus, making the dress myself meant I could do my best to make it so it hid the parts about myself I hated and I could fully live in the illusion.

Myself as the Countess G from Gankutsuou

My cosplay work changed that day and I distinctly remember feeling beautiful and stunning for one of the first times in my life, in a way that I never thought I could.  People talked to me, people whom I'd never approached and looked up to stopped and talked to me!  From there, honestly, there was no turning back.  That single day taught me that I could feel beautiful, and I could wear stunning dresses like that, so damnit I was going to.

I taunt myself how to make plus sized dresses - because my size doesn't exist in commercial patterns. Neither does my wife's.  So I bought hundreds of McCalls and Simplicity and New Look and even Vogue patterns and through trial and error developed my own techniques to make them fit me and her.  Now I can do it without a second thought and really the pattern is just a time saver for me, so I don't have to guess on shapes.

Today, nearly 14 years after some of my first attempts at cosplay, ballgowns and fancy dresses are my favorite things to make and wear.  I can confidently call them my specialty and I can make them for people of any size, man or woman or anywhere in between.  And even when I make smaller pinup style dresses, I can't resist adding an extra panel to that skirt for just a little more volume and flair.

I am a fat cosplayer and through cosplay I gained the ability to love myself and my style.  It was a long process and mostly internal, battlefields warring in my head while I sat in front of a sewing machine pushing through fabric.  A lot of my friends probably didn't even realize it was happening and I still get distracted, but this is me.  Standing here now, just a step behind my lovely wife, I'm learning to take that next step forward and stand up for more then myself.  Instead of facing my own inner demons, I'm channeling them for other people, which feels even better.

Me, as Belle from Disney's Beauty and the Beast

This is new for me and I'm not as confident as I may sound, but that's ok.  I'm not perfect and sometimes I still think that my face is too fat and my stomach is too big.  But, thanks to cosplay, some of that confidence from wearing a costume now leaks into my every day life and I'm not as shy anymore.  I am confident in my powers as a seamstress and I know that I can make dresses and costumes that make myself and other people feel beautiful.  I have successfully given other people that first feeling I caught when I tried that first dress - and that is the most important thing to me.

So yes, I am a fat cosplayer.  But you know what?  I own my body and I know how to make myself love it and make it look stunning.  And I want to give that to other cosplayers.  Holding that knowledge forefront in my mind really makes the trolls and misunderstanding people out there mean little to nothing to me.  Which is exactly how it should be.

Geek.kon This Weekend!!

Are you going to be in Wisconsin this weekend?  Head on over to Geek.kon in Madison to see us!

We'll have a table in Artist Alley (check out the map below) with our books, crafts and costumes!  Brichibi will also be helping out on the Love Your Cosplay Body panel on Saturday as well!

Here's a map for where you can find us in the Dealer's Room:

See you there!

**Want to see us at your local convention?  You can always suggest us as guests, or message us and we'll see if it's one we can add to our list!

Review: Daredevil the tv series

My history with comic book franchises centers mostly around the animated DC properties and the recently released string of Marvel movies.  So stepping into the Daredevil series, I knew bits and pieces of the character (from a failed Ben Affleck movie) and what I could glean from Wikipedia.  Knowing he was very similar to Batman in the almost lack of super powers and being the gritty crime fighter, I knew he'd be right up my alley.

And damn was I right.

This series is near perfect.  Atmosphere, well written characters and an overall tone that sucks you in almost instantly.  The lighting is used perfectly to simulate how dark the world is to the main character making the watcher almost blind, but it's done in an almost masterful way that you really don't feel like you're losing anything.  That and how they illustrate what he sees is so well done, you know exactly what his power is and you never lose sight of the fact that he's blind (ha ha) which is incredibly important to the show's premise and to representation as a whole.

And yes, while the series did have a few stumbles in representation (such as not having a hearing impaired audio track when it was first released) that has since been corrected and it comes as a great package.  I honestly see nothing horrible about the series and am eagerly anticipating the next installment of this and the other series Marvel has with Netflix.  If they are even half as good as this first presentation, I will be beyond happy.

I also want to take a moment to touch on the language of the show.  Not so much how the characters speak, but literally the languages.  Being a city full of colorful and interesting characters with a lot of power, this show isn't scared to have them speak in their own native languages and have the watcher read subtitles for a good portion.  They don't even take the cop-out of having the characters speak in their language for a bit then switch to English, assuming we know their still speaking another language.  Instead this show unabashedly has Russian, Spanish, Chinese and probably others as part of the normal landscape - and it adds to the show.  Yes, you have to read subtitles (which I know some people hate) but in leaving it all there naturally it adds to the authentic feeling of the show and it's even used as effective intimidation between some of the characters.  Its something we rarely see in shows and it comes as a welcome new piece.

I recognize that Marvel and Netflix are experimenting a lot with this series and the other Marvel ones to come.  From the harshly realistic fight scenes, to the audio canvas of the show, to the lighting and the well written characters.  Taking the whole package into account I love it, and I'm very eager to see how this show and the other upcoming ones play out.

Now for the fun part and looking a bit deeper at the well written characters.  There may be general spoilers below the picture, just a heads up. 

While all the characters are well written, the image of Wilson Fisk is the most striking.  I'm familiar with the Kingpin character from the Spiderman animated series of the 90's, and the Daredevil movie mentioned before.  In each of those he was a large and tall man, who spoke with authority and commanded the room around him.  This series introduces you to someone very different in Vincent D'onofrio.  His trademarked stuttering on words and stumbling over sentences from Law and Order is present and used masterfully to create a man who seems quiet and unsure of himself, but completely sure of his path and where he deserves to be, no matter what the cost.  All of this combined creates the sense that this character is a walking time bomb where the counter has stopped displaying.  You know he's going to explode, but you don't know when.  And you have no idea how big the wake zone will be.  It makes every scene with him nail-biting, because you're just waiting for the inevitable to occur in the worst way possible.  And when it does happen, you can't help but sit back from the screen to try and stay out of the range of his murderous rage.

As his story unfolded, I actually found myself rooting for him in a strange way.  No, I don't approve of his methods or the lengths he goes to, but I would have to be blind if I said I didn't see the similarities between him and Matt Murdock laid out so plainly to see.  I won't tell the details, but when Fisk's full backing for his actions was laid out, I felt for him.  He's the bad guy dammit, and I didn't want him to win, but damn was his character ever written well.  It's writing like this that will bring me back to this series and will always win me over.  It takes a lot to make me like a complete bastard of a man, and this show knew exactly what cords to hit.

If I ever wanted to point someone to such a perfect display of amazingly well written characters, Daredevil will now pop forefront in my mind.


All in all, like I said, I love the series.  I'm sorry it took me so long to watch it, but I don't regret watching it at all.  I can't wait for the next installment - Jessica Jones - when it comes out.  You got me Netflix and Marvel.  Now don't lose your stride, keep me here.  Please.

Released Today: Ironbound Kisses

I'm happy to announce that today is the release date of my first gay romance novella: Ironbound Kisses, and there's already a review up!

You can check it out here at The Blogger Girls' site!

Also, I wrote a small blog entry here on the Dreamspinner Press blog for the release. 

Don’t talk to him. For all intents and purposes, he doesn’t exist. 

Thomas knows the rules when he takes a job with the circus, but he can’t stop thinking about the strange young man hidden away in the manager’s trailer. After a chance meeting with Isle, Thomas is even more intrigued, despite Isle’s warnings. As his obsession with Isle grows, Thomas vows to solve the mystery surrounding him and rescue him from his prison. But nothing is what it seems—especially not Isle—and Thomas is left unable to trust his own mind. Amidst the sparkles and illusions of the big top, Thomas can’t tell whether the spell he’s falling under is love… or something very different. He just knows he has to have Isle, and he’ll do things he never imagined himself capable of to get him.

Pick it up at Amazon!

Or at Dreamspinner Press!

And other sites!

Anime Iowa this Weekend!

This weekend we'll be in Coralville IA as guests at Anime Iowa!  You'll be able to find us in Artist Alley, running a couple panels and helping with judging the Masquerade!

As always, we'll have our books and several of our crafts.  In fact, check out the pictures below of some of the stuff we'll have!

My partner will also have a piece in the charity auction!

Be sure to stop by and say hi!

Review: X-Men (the 1992 animated tv series)

There was a good portion of my childhood where I was convinced that there were no good live action shows on television.  Rather, when I was growing up in the 80's and 90's, I decided that animation was amazing and before my love of anime I had a deep love for just cartoons.  X-Men was one of those and it was by far my favorite when it came to comic book cartoons.  I never really liked Spiderman and I remember getting into Batman The Animated Series a bit later, so X-Men was it.

To childhood me the series was amazing.  I had comics in my room, I had sketches and fanfic I wrote. based on the show, I was a regular little fan.  So now that Hulu had all the episodes and I needed something to watch while I was sewing, my partner and I decided to marathon it.

Right up there with the Nostalgia Critic, I'll agree that the X-Men opening is the most epic thing ever!  I mean, what series other then this one throws the logo up on the screen and explodes it in your face?  The animation was awesome and it really got you hyped for the show.

The show itself, now that I've rewatched it, didn't always live up to the opening.  Looking at it now as an adult (or rather cleverly disguised as one) I realize that the pacing was way too fast for these characters.  There are characters that show up without introductions and yet everyone knows their names.  There are inconsistencies in plot that can't be explained by episodes being aired out of order and... well... there's more then one Mojo episode *shudder*.

I still love all the characters.  The main X-Men are awesome.  You are handed such a wide range of characters that it's hard to not find one to attach yourself to and identify with.  My partner was always partial to Storm growing up and I know I flopped between Rouge and Wolverine, depending on the storylines and who was in each episode.

The villains were just as a diverse as the heroes and the show played a cool trick on you.  This is one of the few shows where the villains are not just evil. Magneto is the definition of waffling in his friendship with Xavier.  Mr Sinister is evil, but calls Xavier when he needs help.  Mystique is.... well, we're better off not guessing her side because the minute you do, she changes.  I like all of this and I wish I'd see it more in other shows.  X-men did a really good job of showing all of it's characters to be 3 dimensional beings and you can just feel the years and years of comic book history behind them.  You know there's so many more stories then what you're watching and in the end, you're not really sad about the ending (with the exception of reasons I'll tackle below) because you know there are many other stories abut these characters you love out there waiting.  The series might end, but oh man - this is how comic book addictions are made and man did it ever catch me in High School.

Now, to tackle the ending.  Fair warning, that as much as I loved this cartoon series as a kid and like it as an adult, watching it through to the end pissed me off to no doubt.  I'll admit that in writing this I had a whole rant about the ending season that made no coherent sense, but it was so good to get it out.  Here's the more coherent version.

There's a pattern in cartoon series that I hate.  I don't know if the cause is always the same, but you know it when you see it: when they stop caring.  It's painfully obvious in X-Men when you watch the fifth season.  Sure, we get a few good episodes like Storm Front and Bloodlines,but in watching you can tell the series has been winding down since Apocalypse's 'death' the season before.  The episodes are just a teeny bit more random and other characters you don't much care about get far too much spotlight - Jubilee, Longshot, Cyclops - and their episodes feel like filler waiting for something better.

So the last episode should be good, right?  I mean they know the ending is coming, so they should go out with a bang, right?

...

Nope.  Graduation day is the WORST episode I've ever seen and I'm not kidding when I say I was yelling at the screen and swearing from how upset I was at seeing this play.

Keeping my ranting in check, you have quite a few things that explode in this episode to make it so bad.  A cheaper animation studio holds the episode in it's hands, so the animation quality change is jarring.  A mysterious sickness comes out of no where to hit Xavier and then you're treated to this convoluted plot of them seeking Magneto's help so he can call the Shi'ar and get Xavier the medical help he needs.  Which of course means that he has to leave earth, because with human medicine he'd die.  Essentially, it's an episode long death scene that is arguably more awkward then long anime death monologues.  Oh, and there's one of those too where he addresses each X-Men by name, saying how he feels about them.

With the almost 'death' of Xavier, the series dies a painful death, much better left forgotten in the back memories of your childhood.  Luckily I never saw this ending as a kid, I'm sure I was too tied into Batman, Gargoyles and Power Rangers.  I don't know if the ending would have made me as upset, because endings when you're watching TV on air as a child isn't as important  but I'd like to think I would have been pissed off back then too. But luckily there's plenty else to move on to and in that vein we immediately moved to watching X-Men: Evolution right afterwards ^__^

So, overall, I still have a special place in my heart for this series and over all it's still good.  Watching it now is a wave of nostalgia, reminding me why I got into comic books in the first place and how awesome it is to see them EVERYWHERE now with live action and animated movies that you can tell people care about and put endless amounts of time and effort into.  Beyond that, this show also brought an understanding to me of being able to write for characters in a large team.  Not every show had to have Jubilee in it, nor did every episode have to have Xavier.  Instead, there were times when it was just about Rouge and just about Storm - you could have a team and still take time to explore the individual members pasts and feelings without feeling like you were discluding someone.  Oddily, it showed that it was ok to go out on your own adventures and still be part of a bigger team when you came back home.

If I were to recommend the series to someone now, I would honestly give them a list of story arcs that were my favorite.  I wouldn't recommend marathoning it, but I would say that if nothing else they need to watch this specific set of stories, and then they're good.  This is not a series you watch from beginning to end.  You can skip the fairy-tale and Christmas episodes with Jubliee, it's ok.  You're not missing much.  But over all, it is a series worth watching - especially if you are a comic book fan.

New Novella - Ironbound Kisses

I'm taking this week's blog to announce my new novella coming out at the end of this month!

Ironbound Kisses - which you may have heard me mention before, is a gay romance novella I'm publishing through Dreamspinner Press!  This is my first solo novella and there will be many more.

At the moment, as it's not released until July 29th, you can preorder it here.  You can also read more information below!

Summary:
Don’t talk to him. For all intents and purposes, he doesn’t exist.

Thomas knows the rules when he takes a job with the circus, but he can’t stop thinking about the strange young man hidden away in the manager’s trailer. After a chance meeting with Isle, Thomas is even more intrigued, despite Isle’s warnings. As his obsession with Isle grows, Thomas vows to solve the mystery surrounding him and rescue him from his prison. But nothing is what it seems—especially not Isle—and Thomas is left unable to trust his own mind. Amidst the sparkles and illusions of the big top, Thomas can’t tell whether the spell he’s falling under is love… or something very different. He just knows he has to have Isle, and he’ll do things he never imagined himself capable of to get him.


If you have a blog and you'd be willing to do a guest spot for my new novella, or if you have a blog for book reviews and are interested in a review copy, please send me a message. 

I hope you guys enjoy this one!